OK, here is an opportunity for you all to get to know something about me that many of you may not know. Enjoy!
As some of you may or may not know, Julie is not Jason’s biological child. There are days that I look at my husband and I am honestly thankful that there is no biological connection between the two of them. For instance, any random time of the day when my husband is being totally weird about one thing or another 
Then there are days like yesterday when I wish that there was a biological connection, simply so that we wouldn’t have to deal with her biological father. Things between us and her BLF (Tim, that’s what we will go this because I don’t feel it is necessary for you all to know his real name) have been strained, civil, but strained. The current situation did NOT help these relations.
Tim and his wife have had trouble conceiving a child for the last several years, we knew that they were undergoing treatment for this although we didn’t know what those treatments were. We were not made aware of the apparent pregnancy that had occurred. We know that they had several miscarriages and we can honestly understand their reluctance to share the news with the general public. They have an older child (it’s complicated) and I’m sure they didn’t hide this from her, that would not have been smart since she’s only 5 and it would likely do more damage than good. I’m sure they told their respective parents their friends, to an extent, and their siblings. While things are strained between Tim and I, the fact remains that we share a child together. I feel that we should have been informed of this pregnancy so that we could take steps to prepare Juju, to help her to get excited and ready for a little sister! Apparently they felt differently.
Don’t get me wrong, I can see both sides here. On one hand they owe us nothing, on the other hand this does not help to affirm their desire to have Julie as an active part in their lives. This is something that Tim and I (mostly me) have struggled with since Julie was born. I have tried and tried for years to foster a relationship between the two of them. I have gone to great lengths to inform Tim and “Mary” of happenings in Julie’s life, the good and the bad. I have tried and tried to stress to them the importance of contact with her, that they will one day realize what they have missed and want time back that they will never have again.
I thought that Tim and Mary were going to be better when I announced that Jason and I were getting married, after all, they came down for what seemed like an extra visit this past spring. Outside of a few required contacts for insurance reasons, there hasn’t really been anything. In fact, they didn’t even call to tell us that the baby we didn’t know about had been born, we found out via MySpace.
Yes, I know… and NO, I’m not kidding.
When we found out, we sent them a lovely message:
“Congratulations. We weren’t aware that you all were expecting. I’m really not sure what to say because on one hand you guys don’t owe us any explanation, (although that’s not really the right word) it’s your life and you will do what you think is the best for your family.
On the other hand, you all claim to want to have contact with Julie, that you want to be a part of her life, yet this is a HUGE thing and you said nothing. I’ve even come to the point that unless it is something insurance related, I just don’t call anymore and you make no efforts to have a relationship of any kind with Julie, outside of child support, which is ordered by the state.
I don’t want to intrude on your happiness in any way, so please do not think that is why I’ve contacted you. You may not think that we have any business knowing that you were expecting another child, but like it or not, Tim is Julie’s biological father.
Should you choose to have further contact with Julie, that’s up to you, but just as you prepared Faith for a baby sister, we should have been given the same opportunity to prepare Julie.
I’m really not sure where to go from here, but I do want you to know that we are very happy for you all. I know you guys have been waiting for this baby for a very long time, you should enjoy this time to the fullest!
The lack of disclosure here brings to light the need for a very serious conversation, when you all are ready. I’m sending this to both of you.
Thanks, and congrats again!
Amy & Jason”
Tim sent his patented reply, filled with we want to have more contact and we miss her, blah this and blah that… How is Julie… the token crap we have heard time and time again. It starts the cycle all over, we try to give them another chance and they do better for all of three or four days, then it’s back to nothing. Jason and I are breaking that cycle for Julie’s sake. There will be no more free passes for Tim and Mary. If they truly want to have a relationship with Julie, they will “walk the walk” because quite frankly, I’m tired to death of the talk.
We are involved in the lives of Jason’s boys because we love them. We also are involved in the lives of my nephews.
So why is it so difficult for Tim and Mary to try with Julie?
That, my friends, is the million dollar question.
I’ve been the child in a situation just like this. It’s so sad. My parents divorced when I was 12 for reasons I won’t go into here but let’s just say, I was glad he was gone. I was old enough to know understand what was going on between my mother and him and wasn’t too hurt by my his lack of contact with me after he left but I did see how it hurt my younger siblings. My mother used to make excuses for him to smooth over their hurt feelings when he didn’t show up for a scheduled visitation weekend, etc. I would hear her say things like she couldn’t ‘make’ him visit if he didn’t want to. He knew what he was doing and was more wrapped up in the people in his new life than the ones he left behind in his old life.
He’s paying the price now though. He comes around and tries to have a relationship with us and we don’t want anything to do with him. We don’t know him anymore. He brought this upon himself. We were there for him but he was not there for us.
I don’t think you are going to be able to make “Tim” have a relationship with your daughter unless he truly wants it. You’ll save yourself a lot of stress, headaches and heartaches if you just take what little you are getting (child support) and leave the rest to him to deal with in the future when (or if) Julie decides to question him on why he wasn’t there for her.
You’ve heard the saying……Anyone can be a father. It takes a real man to be a DAD.
Jason, by all accounts, seems to be a great dad to not only Julie, but all the kids in his life. She’s lucky to have someone who really wants to be her dad as opposed to someone who is being forced to be her dad.
I too am a product of a similar situation. I LOVE my Dad! He was the Dad that he didn’t have to be just because he married my Mom.
It’s amazing to me that the man who father Julie turned out to be much like the man that fathered me.
I cut all contact with my BLF years ago. He doesn’t know about Julie, or Jason, Dale and Eli for that matter. I guess the same thing is going to have to happen with “Tim.” I doubt he’ll even fight us.
Julie will be ok even if he doesn’t fight. I’m sure there will be a time in the future where he’ll wish he did.
Stuff like this really ticks me off. It’s so easy for a man to have a child and then just walk away from it whenever he feels like it.
Some men really are from Mars…lol
My beloved wife is the product of yet another no-show BLF. Fortunately my mother-in-law married a good (not perfect, but good) man who immediately loved and regarded and treated his three new stepchildren as his own. John is the only Dad that Lisa has ever known. He’s the man I asked for Lisa’s hand in marriage, the man who escorted her down the aisle to me at our wedding, and the man who dropped everything sixteen years later to come up and be with us this week. I know that it’s not the best of all possible situations, but I think Julie is lucky indeed to have a loving Mom and a loving stepfather who is more than willing and able to be her loving Dad.